Bucket List

Do you have things that you would like to accomplish before you die? Not general things, like "be a good person" or "live well"...but specific things that you would like to do before your time on earth is through?

Back when the movie A Walk To Remember was released, I made a list of things I want to do before I die. (Yes, yes...call me cheesey, but I felt inspired). Then, last year, the movie The Bucket List was released (which was actually the movie Chris and I went to see on our first date!), and I remembered my list. Surprisingly enough, I was able to find it, and I revamped it and added quite a few things to it.

All that to say, yesterday, I was able to cross off yet another thing on my list - see Switchfoot in concert. Switchfoot is my all-time favorite band, and they were playing at the Porter County Fair in Valporaiso. I went with Amber, my aunt, and my good friend Nick, and we had a blast - prime seats (which we didn't sit in once Switchfoot came on stage!), good times, and great music. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the night!

Jon Foreman = great musician. This is my favorite photo from the whole concert (above)!

He came down into the crowd...it was awesome.

Jerome! Pianist/keyboardist/guitar player extraordinaire!

Before the start of the show.

Great show!

Switchfoot + new t-shirt with lyrics from favorite song + great time with great people = ONE HAPPY KAYLA! :)

Disappointment. Yes, it has two "P"s.

Ever feel like you've disappointed someone? If not, I think you're lying...but that's besides the point.

The worst thing about disappointment is the horrible, gut-wrenching feeling it can leave you with. Some people would choose disappointment over frustration, sadness, or sheer anger. Not me. Disappointment kills me. Especially unspoken disappointment. You know, the kind where someone's really disappointed in you, but they just won't come out and say it. It just lingers between you in the air like a fog that's trying to suffocate you.

I will take pretty much any emotion over disappointment any day of the week. Yell at me. Scream at the top of your lungs. Curse at me. Any and all of the above mentioned (and even unmentioned) things are more preferable than the killer silence of disappointment.

But do you know what makes disappointment worse sometimes, though it may seem a bit contradictory? When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the decision you made isn't one that disappointed God...just the other people in your life. Why is it that as humans, we're so attached to the emotions and reactions of others in our lives, even if we know that decisions we're making are God-honoring? That's a hard pill to swallow - especially if you're a people-pleaser.

But in all honesty, as hard as it is to know that you've disappointed the people you love, how much better is it to have made a decision that makes them unhappy than to make one that makes God unhappy? I think I'll choose the former any day of the week. Not to say that my record of decision-making is a good one, because I'd be lying to you if I claimed that as truth. But for once, I feel like I made the right decision - it's just going to take awhile to convince the people I love, and it's going to take a LOT for them to not convince me that I'm wrong.

"Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of daylight where
The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don't look the other way

Crooked souls trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of daylight where
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine"

Life is full of DECISIONS.

Isn't it funny how many decisions we make in a day? Think about it...you probably drove somewhere today. If you did, you made a decision...when it was safe to turn, or whether or not it was your turn to proceed at a stop sign. You decided this morning what you would wear for the day, what you ate for breakfast...lunch...and later, you'll probably decide what to eat for supper, where to go this evening, what to do with the remainder of your day.

But do you know what's funny to me? The things that we go through each day that are no longer consciously decisions. Things that we've done over and over so many times that no longer is there a conscious thought process (most days, at least) for decision-making. Take brushing your teeth, for example. Assuming that you have good grooming and personal care skills, this is probably something you do daily. You don't decide whether or not to brush your teeth...you just do. The decision occurs, in that you must decide WHEN to brush your teeth. Before breakfast, or after? The first thing you do in your morning routine, or the last before you walk out the door?

You see, that's what's ironic to me - even the "decisions" that aren't really decisions eventually lead to a decision. Yes, read that sentence once or twice more and let it soak in...because it's true.

Here's the kicker, though. I serve a God who has given me free will to make decisions, the freedom to choose what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. Obviously, He's given us some rules and guidelines to follow (outlined in one of my favorite books of all-time)...but ultimately, the choice is ours. Am I saying that God cares when (or if) we brush our teeth? No, I'm not - though I do think He probably cares at least a little about our hygiene. All I'm saying is, have you taken time lately to assess whether or not your everyday decisions - even the ones that are no longer conscious decisions - line up with what God has envisioned for you?

This is something I've been pondering the past week or so, as I know I have some big decisions in my future - decisions that will potentially impact the rest of my life, or at least the next couple years. Because God has given us the ability to choose, sometimes I confuse what I want, or what others tell me may be good for me, with what He wants...which I think is true for all of us. It's not an easy thing to decipher, certainly. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

So...what are you deciding today? And what (or who) is going to be a part of that process? Definitely something to ponder.

Fail.

Feelings are a funny thing, I think.

It's astonishing to me how God gave us the ability to feel so much, experience things in so many different ways. Even better, no two people react or feel the same way in certain situations.

I guess that's what makes life so complicated sometimes...what makes relationships so complicated. We're overcome with all these feelings, and we just want someone, somehow, to understand our point of view. To understand who we are, and why we're feeling a certain way. Sure, there are people in our lives that can do that, that can fill that need in our lives. God created us to form relationships and companionships with other people. But sometimes, people just aren't enough. They don't say the right things, or do the right things. And no matter how alike two people are, sometimes...words just cannot express feelings, and God is the only one who can help you sort through everything.

If there's one thing I've learned as of late, it's that people fail. Parents fail. Siblings fail. Friends fail. Significant others fail. Personally, we fail others. Time, and time, and time again. Not because we don't love, or because we aren't loved - but it's because there is only One who can truly understand us, who has our best interest at hearts, and who will never, ever fail us. You see, like many of you, I have a problem with placing too much faith in the people in my life. But I often forget that those people aren't always going to come through for me. Does that mean they love me any less? Of course not. Does that mean I stop loving them? Never. But sometimes I wonder how much heartache we would save ourselves if we relied less on the people in our lives and relied more on God. The God who created us, who knows our every thought, every word before we even speak it.

Because the bottom line is plain and simple: PEOPLE FAIL. GOD NEVER DOES.

Because I'm All Growed Up Now.

It's really amusing to me - ironic, really - how things come full-circle. Once upon a time, I had a "blog"...until Xanga became more prominent, at which point I switched over. I've been using Xanga since 2005 (though not much the past year), but I think it's time to switch back. But this time, it's time to do things a little differently. No more spouting off daily activities, random lists, and whatever else used to be at the center of my posts. It's time to stir up some controversy - thought-provoking topics, controversial issues, and whatever else is on my mind and heart.

I suppose you should know a little bit about me, in that case. I am 22 years old, a recent college grad, and am now teaching preschool for students with special needs. I have a passion for children of all ages. And not just for children in general, but for assisting them in unlocking their potential. Believing in them. And helping them believe in themselves. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know that is what God has called me to do for this season of my life. Be a positive role model in the lives of my students. Want to know the best thing about it? Sometimes they end up leaving a bigger imprint on my life than I will probably ever leave on theirs.

Speaking of God (I can smell the controversy already), I should probably mention that He plays the biggest role in my life. (Well, He doesn't always - but that's my own fault...and that's another post in and of itself.) I don't know your thoughts on God, religion, Christianity, etc...but let me tell you this. I want no part of "religion", and I can honestly tell you that these days, I almost cringe at the mention of the word "Christian." Not anywhere does the Bible mention the word "Christian". Don't get me wrong, I understand its derivatives...but Christianity doesn't define me. Jesus Christ, and His heavenly Father...MY Heavenly Father...define my being and existence. No church building, pew, offering plate, pulpit, or praise song can begin to touch that.

Now that you think I'm crazy...I hope you'll come back for more.